It is a bit intimidating trying to be active in the DIY scene, knowing that I can’t really go to shows. A lot of people say if you want to make friends in the scene to go to a show. Except I cannot go to a show alone without someone with me to make sure I am safe.
I just see pictures from shows and see all the people and think, “Wow, I would not have handled that.” Having autism is not fun in these spaces when I am very hypersensitive. I enjoy listening to music by myself in a silent room, but a show has a ton of different sounds at once, and I’m sweaty. I end up not focusing on the music. I am very much at the back of the show, away from the action, so I can zone out and stim while listening to the band. When I do go, my battery is drained to nothing, and I am a zombie the next day. It takes a lot out of me.
But this is if I go to a larger venue. A lot of the shows near me are in small places or house shows. I have never been to a house show because I do not know how safe it would be for me. The show I went to at my local record store was too much for me. I don’t know if I could handle someone’s basement.
I love the music and art that comes out of these communities, but I feel I cannot really make friends because I can’t attend the events. I could attend for a little bit, but I fell fast before I had to leave. I’m not talking like I am uncomfortable. No, I am talking about a full-blown meltdown with self-harm behaviors. Leaving me at the show puts me in literal danger.
My sensory processing disorder is something I have to make sure the person I am going with takes very seriously.
The scene puts a lot of pressure on going to shows and stresses me out because I can’t handle it, but I really want to talk to people about the music. Which leaves me to online forums, but then I get crap for not going to shows. So…
Yeah. It is tough.
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